Depression: a simple yet intimating word that triggers a lot of emotion amongst those that suffer with this tumultuous disorder. The power of depression can cripple the strong, outsmart the intelligent and bedrest the normally driven in a matter of days. I should know since I suffer greatly from depression.
The power of depression can cripple the strong,
outsmart the intelligent and
bedrest the normally driven in a matter of days.
I have fought my depression for years - trying to prevent it from destroying my life. My constant battle and fierce optimism keep me in the clear ninety-five percent of the time. But there is no foolproof plan of action to avoid it completely.
My latest “episode” overtook me after many hours of crying and landed me in bed for almost four days. In some ways it was the perfect storm: an hormonal imbalance due to my impending menstrual cycle which was triggered by the recollection of a mirrored relationship of my ex and his first wife. Yes, I’m going to be discussing an ex that I haven’t discussed before this moment. Let’s call him Chad.
The further away I am from the relationship with Chad I (once again) realize my lack of necessary self-protective boundaries with those I become involved with personally. This is something I am actively working on. Separating the lover from the healer in partnerships has been a difficult task for me and at times heartbreaking, especially because I tend to care so much.
Separating the lover from the healer
in partnerships has been
a difficult task for me...
Chad came to me out of what I would describe as a toxic and two-way abusive relationship. The toxicity bled from both ends - his ex wife was verbally and physically abusive towards him and he mentally abusive towards her. The thing is, and this is very important, I actually don’t believe that either of these people were malicious purposely. They only know what they know. The reason their relationship is relevant to me is because energetically we as individuals take on the karmic debt of those that become our intimate partners. And this energetic lifeline spreads across to those of our past (both in this lifetime and other lifetimes). In order to sever the spiritual connection from past partners one must engage in a cord-cutting ceremony. Since Chad, a non-spiritual person, did not understand or believe in these types of spiritual rituals I (throughout our entire relationship) was connected to his laundry list of sexual partners, including his first ex-wife. This connection (at multiple occasions) became unbearable. For instance, I was once shaking and telling him I couldn’t drive today (although I do not normally have any fear about driving) because I felt like I was going to get in an accident. Fifteen minutes later he received a phone call that his ex-wife was in a car accident. So, eventually, I found the strength to cut ties with him, which then cut my spiritual ties with her.
The reason this outside “mirrored” relationship blasted me into the darkness of depression is because I, for the first time, had clarity of the yo-yo mental abuse I had endured for almost eleven months with this man I thought I loved. I was gutted. I couldn’t believe that my heart (yet again) led me to another relationship where I was the caregiver picking up the pieces of a broken man. In that moment I could no longer handle this perceived reality I was in and needed to exit. Thankfully, my exit consisted of departing to my bed, protected by my angelic guides, and there I was able to find my way back to serenity.
This too shall pass.
There is no cure for depression. And, frankly, most suffering aren’t going to call a hotline. So my message to the masses who suffer from depression (as my best friend always reminds me), “This too shall pass.” Hang on. It’s always darkest before the dawn…