Breaking A Vicious Cycle
I found myself venting to my best friend on the phone about my awakening to the emotional abuse that I had endured during a recent relationship, only to question why it is that I felt so unworthy of love (once again)? Do I truly believe that I deserve this type of treatment? Also, how didn’t I recognize it sooner - allowing it to go on for months?
To start, let me explain my point-of-view of the difference between emotional and physical abuse. Physical abuse is evident because you have the marks on your body and feel the pain from the physical contact. While it may be difficult to walk away from (and I personally know this), you are at least aware of it while it is happening. Emotional abuse is much more dynamic and tumultuous. Often times we don’t even see that it is happening to us - creating a grace period before the damage appears. Emotional abuse comes in waves. Waves that crash over your head, take away your breath and twist and turn your entire being. While the conversation with my friend was leaning towards blaming the other person involved, I quickly realized that I called this in. I allowed the man that I once knew to treat me the way I believe I deserve to be treated, which goes back to one of my first relationships in my life and how I desire the need to be defined as worthy. I, in an attempt to show my worthiness to another, tried to make him see my worth by desperately serving him. My many selfless acts were to possibly allow him relief from the chaotic, thought-provoking pattern that causes him an inability to feel peace and happiness…only to have him to completely reject me.
Emotional abuse is much more dynamic and tumultuous.
I am willing my way into dissecting the relationship with my father and the recent relationship I held with the disconnected and suffering Soul that I loved. I publicly disclose this discussion (just as I have in the past) to shed light and bring awareness to those that my story can possibly guide. I truly do believe in sharing one’s Truth within a community. In order for me to continue, let me please tell you that I love my father. He is one of the strongest, most hard-working, caring, intelligent men I have ever met. He taught me the basics and let me fly free just like I needed. I compassionately understand him and his past, as well as the choices he has made throughout his life because I know that he has done the best that he can. However, this does not mean that he hasn’t hurt me with his lack of communication, unwillingness to see my worth or his inability to love me the way I have always needed to be loved. With this, please understand that I am not here to bash anyone but rather share with you my experience and inner-growth.
I was never understood by my father. He didn’t understand my incessant need to be heard or hugged nor my sensitive nature that seemed to erupt tears with the wrong look. The communication I gave was never returned. Instead, he would go silent and tune me out…not hearing any of the words that I shared. I went out of my way to serve him by cooking and cleaning but even those acts never pleased him or made him happy. I even tried massaging his constantly painful back (an accident that left him lucky to be alive) only to find that it left him feeling worse about himself. I attempted to be my father’s healer. It was a position I gave myself without being asked because I love him. The love I attempted to gave him never changed him - he always focused on what he couldn’t control rather then on the blessings that were at his feet.
I attempted to be my father’s healer.
Side note: Tears are streaming down my cheeks because as I write this I see that this was the exact relationship that I recently left behind. Exactly. These two men (my father and ex-boyfriend) mirror each other’s strengths and one another’s weaknesses completely. I wish I could openly explain this to the man that I no longer love to save his existence. However, this is not mission. My mission is to focus on me and heal.
I’d like to think that I have forgiven my father for our conflicts, yet there is a part of me that continuously calls in this cycle of abuse. The men I meet are not my father. Having a relationship with them will not change my past. I should not need to find forgiveness for this type of treatment because I will no longer allow it to be a part of my life. Now I must sit with this and find a place in my heart that has the strength to release these feeling of anger, sadness and guilt in order to break this vicious cycle. Change is possible, my friend. And change starts with the awakening of the Self.
Now I must sit with this and find a place in my heart
that has the strength to release these feeling of
anger, sadness and guilt in order to
break this vicious cycle.
I understand that I have acted out of habit instead of coming from a place of consciousness. In the future I will be patient and take my time when getting to know another so that I do not get wrapped up in the passion that only serves the physical body and confuses one’s being. It is my duty to find and keep healthy relationships with men that understand, respect and truly love my Soul.
I am your sister.
I am your daughter.
I am your friend.
My heart is heavy as I write the sweet words of my Truth to you. It is so important that we continue to support and share our stories with one another in order to build our community with a foundation based on compassion. Maybe you’ve experienced the same type of pain as I or maybe you haven’t. Either way we feel what the other is experiencing because we are connected on a deeper level than any of us can explain. I am your sister. I am your daughter. I am your friend. We are truly one. Thank you for being a part of this magical journey with me and know that my inner growth is your inner growth. Let’s allow our strength to inspire each of our inner essences to grow.