My Secret Battle With Depression

I have suffered tremendously in this lifetime with a slew of battles within myself. My battles have ranged from drug and alcohol abuse, an eating disorder, an abusive relationship, experiencing emotional abandonment after the death of my sibling, etc. I have openly shared my experience and lessons learned from each of these situations because I truly believe that I am here to show others that they aren’t alone. However, there is something that I haven’t been transparent about because, for me, it seems to be an issue that I have yet to completely resolve. Over the last week I have (once again) suffered from my lifelong battle with depression after having no signs of this unfortunate disorder for a couple of years.

I have suffered from depression for as long as I can remember.

I wish I knew exactly what triggers my fall into a deep state of complete dismay but I don’t. I feel that it seems to happen when I begin to slip into an automatic state of helping those around me that I feel are suffering. I slowly begin ignoring my own self and that begins to turn my world upside down. This is something that I am usually aware of, yet it’s something that I seem to let myself forget as soon as I see a wounded being that I believe in.

I have suffered from depression for as long as I can remember. This silent battle is one that at times feels more deadly then the self-destructive relationship I had with drugs many years ago. This disorder is one that makes no sense to me, especially because I truly feel happy and content with my life. However, I very much still have episodes of this disorder that momentarily take me away from everything I have worked so hard to achieve.

Depression, unlike most disorders, can easily be disguised. I can wear a mask so that those around me are completely unaware of my current state of mind while inside I feel as if I am dying. Once I am in the privacy of my own home, I remove my mask and burn in the pain that is encompassing my entire being. The worst part of depression (for me) is that I do not recognize it easily. I know that this may sound strange but it takes me a bit of time to truly see and understand what is actually happening to me. My awakening out of this state is usually after I seem to push everyone in my life away and allow myself to go into a deep state of release with heavy crying. This exerts my body and allows me to feel the familiar sense of lightness I normally carry. This opens my eyes to the truth around me.

Depression, unlike most disorders, can easily be disguised.

The reason I am sharing my story with you is to let those of you that suffer with depression know that you are not alone. There are so many of us that can’t explain how a handful of events can send us into a state of complete agony but it is a part of who we are. To me, it makes each of us more beautiful and more real because we have the ability to see that the cards one shows are not always truly evident of the feelings that are within the Self. Yet, we have a deeper understanding of compassion and love for those around us because we realize that we can never know for sure the eternal battle that another may be currently facing.

without the darkness I would never understand my own light.

With every experience I feel stronger, wiser and more in-tune to the world around me. For this I am thankful. Because without the darkness I would never understand my own light.

Always grateful,

Alisha xoxo

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