In a moment’s time the entirety of one’s healing work can disappear and the old wounds from the past can surface with a vengeance.
My heart is broken and my stomach is twisted as I face the pain that I felt I had worked through over the last decade, just to find that it still remains deep within my bones. It is difficult not to be hard on oneself, yet I know better than to go down this destructive path of self-judgment. I can’t blame those around me that have awakened the shattering reality of my Soul’s lessons in this life. Rather, I have to look honestly into the Self and find closure for my past.
I met my soulmate this summer to find that he did exactly what he was supposed to do…enrich my life by giving a lesson in order for me to continue my inner growth and the rising of my Soul. He wasn’t the first soulmate I have encountered in this life and he won't be the last. But he is someone special and I am forever grateful for his presence.
I met my soulmate this summer
to find that he did exactly what he was supposed to do…
enrich my life by giving a lesson
in order for me to continue my inner growth
and the rising of my Soul.
Before I thoroughly begin to wrap you into my world, let me explain to you what a soulmate is. A soulmate is a person who is aligned with your Soul and has been summoned to transcend you into a higher state of consciousness by teaching you a karmic lesson. Once the lesson has been taught, separation usually occurs. These connections are extremely intense and bring about a screaming ego. Soulmates can bring out the absolute best in one another and the absolute worse, which can make for a tumultuous relationship. And while I would love to sit here and tell you about how my best Self had risen (and it did), this is simply only half of the story.
The truth is I crumbled and my ego was so badly weakened that I didn’t even recognize myself. I behaved in a way that seemed like a flashback to the girl I used to be instead of the woman I am today. My old habits naturally returned into my daily life and I slowly started to allow them to take over my being. I sat by and watched my whole world get turned upside down and wanted to scream victim while running away (a coping mechanism I still very much cling to). I reacted as a wounded child - weak to my screaming ego.
A soulmate is a person who is aligned with your Soul
and has been summoned to transcend you into a higher state of consciousness
by teaching you a karmic lesson.
The karmic lessons that were taught to me are difficult for me to admit but I know that by sharing these lessons I just may be helping another. And at the end of the day I would rather help another Soul than give my ego more power by quietly sitting with my own lessons.
The first lesson has to do with my power over men (which, to be honest, is the same power most women have over men); and how I selfishly make use of it for personal gain. This may come in the form of pure entertainment through attention or to the acceptance of lavish gifts. Either way, I gracefully turn my head, acting as if I don’t know their intention, and take what I want and walk away.
I thrive off of the use and, sometimes, abuse of men. And I'm good at it. So good that it keeps them coming back years later (and in some cases decades later). I entice them with my beauty and sexuality. I pull them in with my intelligence, humor and charm. I allow them to believe that they have a chance with me, to possibly keep me for eternity, and then I disappear. I basically chew them up and spit them out without the blink of an eye (maybe, if they are lucky, I'll give them a wink). Men have been toys throughout my life. I play with them and put them away when I'm done. This sad reality has left me in a state of disarray since I understand that my karmic debt in this life is with men.
Now, don't get me wrong, I have purely loved the men I have had the pleasure of having intimate relationships with in this life. However, I have always had men on the side that I allowed to entertain me without being intimate with them. I always wrote it off as acceptable behavior since I was loyal and faithful physically. But I know now that energetically I was cheating. Cheater: A word I never used to describe myself until now. A word so heart-wrenching that as it runs through my heart I feel pulses of pain in my chest.
Every single partner has, in return, emotionally cheated on me whether it was with drugs, alcohol, gambling or other women - mirroring my own behavior and boy'o'boy does that drive my ego mad. How dare they treat me the way I treat them! My Soul sits by quietly as my ego screams. Well, the awakening to my behavior and the reality of the world I have created is taking a major shift because I choose love.
My Soul sits by quietly as my ego screams.
So, what does this all mean? It means that I am changing. I am growing because shift happens. I am going to honestly observe (without ego) every interaction I have with men in my personal life. I am going to speak up and call myself out when necessary. I am going to seek a more compassionate heart for the men in my life and find forgiveness for my past.
This is the first lesson my soulmate has taught me. Let me tell you about the next...